Aromantics Anonymous

I’m an aro ace.

But just the past few days I’ve been questioning the ace bit. Maybe, all this time I’ve thought I was asexual, I’ve really just been aromantic and pretty much had no drive to actually act on any sexual attraction I might’ve felt.

I don’t know - aren’t people supposed to know when they feel sexual attraction? Also, I’m repulsed, so it might not even matter anyway.

Basically, I don’t know what’s going on, and I’d really appreciate advice or personal experience or well, anything.

Mod note: Moved to a different text post to allow people to answer.

Anonymous asked: I'm having a bit of trouble understanding why an a-romantic person would want to be in a relationship with anyone let alone a -romantic- person. I mean I get it sort of at a basic level but where then does the line exist, however grey, between roommates who are BFFs and pretty much act loosely like a "traditional couple" versus the loose "traditional couple" in an almost identical situation who have done nothing more than say its more? Is it purely semantics?

Well, it’s up to the individual person. Some people are repulsed by romantic advances or romantic attitudes - some are not. Aromantic people can want relationships just as much as the next romantic person - and romanticity may not be a deal breaker for them.

It’s highly subjective, and there’s no ubiquitous rule you can lay down. You may want to take another look at your conceptualisation of aromantic people if you have trouble understanding why an aromantic person would want to be in a relationship. Aromanticism is simply the lack of romantic attraction, aromanticism says nothing about anything else whatsoever. There are more reasons to be in a relationship than just romantic attraction.

Just to name a few … sexual attraction, emotional attraction, physical attraction, sensual attraction …

Anything, really.

ETA: The “line”, as you put it, lies wherever the people involved decide to put it. It’s their relationship. Highly subjective. No rules. That’s it, really. The difference is whatever the people involved say it is.

Anonymous asked: Just curious if you would know: why do some descriptions of romantic attraction describe it as 'wanting a romantic relationship with someone(s)'? I've seen it being reblogged lately, but doesn't that erase gray-/lith-romantics?

same anon: I’m asking because my therapist wanted to push me to date in order to be more like people of my age but at the only idea I felt sick. My idea of love was: I’m a friend and then I fall in love, I don’t want to meet people for that specific purpose. But then when I met guys that I could like, my mind was “NO. DON’T WANT. IT’S TIRING AND I”M TRULY HAPPY” and I don’t understand if I’m a child, I have mental issues or it’s just my kind of romanticity, the “not wanting the real thing”.

I apologise for the long wait in answering. I’d written up a reply before you sent in your second message, so I will put that up, and then add my addendum.

Also sneaking in to add a link to what I think is the definition of romantic attraction. That is to say, there isn’t a good one, highly subjective, etc.

Well, there are several answers to that questions. The first thing you need to know is that some aromantics identify as aromantic primarily because of their lack of interest in a romantic relationship*. I cover that topic more in this post here. So someone may define aromanticism that way because that is how they define themselves. The Offical™ definition of aromanticism is a lack of romantic attraction - that definition is based on the model of orientations used primarily in the asexual community; it is also one of the broader definitions that includes the most amount of people because of how it approaches behaviour as a neutral factor when it comes to orientations.

But that is not to say that the ‘lack of interest in romantic relationships’ definition is invalid - it’s just different. It’s okay to have different definitions - it just means that different facets of your orientation stick out to you.

There are really only two things that bring us together, and neither are the definition of aromanticism; a feeling of alienation or dissatisfaction or discomfiture with the current romantic standard and/or a common, shared experience. The definition is just words.

So, you have seen that definition floating around, I imagine, because someone who identifies with that definition has been talking about their experiences.

As for it erasing gray-aromantics or lithromantics - well, no. Both of those orientations are on the aromantic spectrum - and while I personally would not be comfortable with using that definition, it is their personal orientation they’re talking about. Unless the post was attempting to educate on the whole aromantic spectrum, I see it as non-problematic. It really depends on context and audience.

Consider this: does not the Official™ definition erase the person whose definition we are discussing? Nothing will ever be 100% inclusive, but I would hope anyone in an educational station would attempt to show the diversity of aromanticism, the possible definitions and the spectrum as a whole.

* - I took that as synonymous to the definition you provided, but is an easier concept to repeat.

As for my addendum: Your therapist sucks. “You should date to be more like people your age” is a terrible reason to date. That seems like just using the people you’re dating so you can “fit in”.

No matter what you are, if you’re aromantic, on the spectrum, have “issues” (whatever that means; I’m not in the business of trying to “fix” people), whatever - it’s okay. You don’t need to date someone to be happy, and if you’re fine being friends, and if you find you don’t want to engage in a romantic relationship with someone, that is your prerogative, that is perfectly fine and okay. You do not need to date someone to be an “adult” or whatever nonsense your therapist is feeding you. If you are a friend to someone, and you find you fall in love with them, that’s okay too. You don’t need to limit yourself to one behaviour - but you shouldn’t worry about not conforming to one behaviour set either. Do what you want, do what makes you happy - doggedly following the white picket course society has set for you is only fine and dandy if that’s actually what you want. And aromantic people can want the white picket dream, that’s cool too. Basically, what I’m trying to say, is that it’s fine. It’s all fine.

And your therapist sucks.

TL;DR - Everything is valid.

This may have come up before, the whole things feeling humanize people. Relationships humanize people, specially when it comes to self-centered -independent people who can strike people as cold or inhuman. Cold characters are given morality pets all the time, they are mostly aorund to remind us that cold charcter A isn’t as cold or bad because they care about this other character.

It doesn’t have to be romantically, but for some reason IRL you can’t hardly come as human if you aren’t romantic. I know people such as myself who just play along with it, “I don’t have a heart, I’m from Jupiter” somehow this seems to make more sense than ” Neutrois aromantic asexual”. 

I know of this because I’ve told things sucha s “Oh, even you will feel like this some day”, “You like taking care of little children? No way!” and “You wouldn’t understant.”. I find it strange and annoying how big is the polarity of what people think I can feel, and what I can’t feel. Obviously I will someday feel this thing called romantic love and the sky will open and I’ll understand everything, my heart will grow three sizes and I’ll come off as a better person. Until then I’m the anti-romantic version of the Grinch. Maybe it’s my fault for playing with the idea of a heartless alien from Jupiter, but seeing don’t say it to everyone I meet, maybe it’s not.

I don’t know how many in the aromantic spectrum are Thinkers or Feelers. This goes into the discussion because many thinkers as myself usually already get into the umbrella of being aphatic or numb. I think is harder for Feelers to strike as such just because they’re in the aromantic spectrum. Personally as Thinker, I do have emotions and feelings, I justs takes me more time to understand them (even months). 

I may have gone out of the topic I wanted to adress wich was well, for the record Aromantics have feelings too, and maybe it just happens to be bad wording I find in posts by mostly romantic asexuals who say “That I’m asexual doesn’t mean I can’t fall in love Asexuals can feel romantic atraction too”, “Or asexuals can love too, unless you’re aromantic” normally this wording comes to make a point that they have feelings thus human. Bad thing: they tend to dehumanize aromantics, because we have hearts three sizes smaller and many of us do believe that, anyway, so obviously we are not offended. After all I did say I was an alien.

The only thing is that it really grows old after a time. And there are so many posts I can read with this poor wording with out finding myself annoyed. Mostly because it implies I don’t care, or I don’t love; and I may not feel the romantic sort of love, but I do care about the people I love, even if I’m not the most emphatic person ever alive. It’s a sensitive matter, because, yes, I do come as a cold, distant person in everyday life with out labeling myself, and I’m hard to approach  so who I am kidding? all these assumptions seem to be correct, but the things is, being aromantic isn’t the reason I come off as a cold distant person and the power of  (romantic)love wouldn’t kick my personality out of me and insert in me all the empathy and disappear my trust issues into the air.

And that’s the reason I get annoyed at poor wording like that, and at people who actually believe aromantics can’t be charming, or caring or able to love (even in romantic ways, hi lithromantics) . And yes maybe I’m a heartless Jupiterian but that issue that doesn’t relate to being aromantic, or asexual or neutrois, they are all different matters really.

I just came out as aromantic. And I kinda just… realized what it may mean. Whenever I’ve thought about growing old, it’s always been something with my best friend. She has always been involved. And then I realized… she’s (probably) allosexual. She’s attracted to people romantically, and she’s probably going to get married someday. I’ve always thought I’d be the crazy cat lady, and I was always okay with that, because I’d be the crazy cat lady with her best friend since elementary school who did crazy antics with each other, but I realized that I might be the crazy cat lady who lives alone and never sees anyone and is bitter about everything and is the weird one who yells at kids to get off her lawn and never has any visitors and never visits anyone.

&& I don’t want to be that old lady.

But I’m afraid I might be.

And I’m too afraid to talk to my best friend about it. 

I don’t want to be aromantic.
And I can’t even say it. Even to you, anonymously. I can’t even say it to myself.

I’ve never felt this alone before.

—

Mod’s Note: The thing about stereotypes is that, while they may have a grain of truth to them, they are always, always hyperbole and exaggeration. Also, you can do a lot to influence your own fate - you can appear to be the perfect candidate for the “crazy, but bitter and angry, cat lady” stereotype and then turn out entirely different, just by a few choices. “Crazy, but bitter and angry, cat lady” type people are lead by their own choices. While yes, there will be circumstances beyond their control, they also isolate themselves and influence their life through their own behaviour. Being aromantic does not mean being alone - there are far more relationships one can have than just romantic ones. Try to remember that our society idealises romance, and therefore, a lot of our views about romance and romantic relationships are wrong. If nothing else, you’ll always have the arom community.

Anonymous asked: Oh, I'm so sorry my intended question wasn't clear! I guess I'm just terrible at explaining myself. Sorry!

No no, don’t worry about it. Seriously, don’t beat yourself up over it.

Anonymous asked: I guess that wasn't really clear, or maybe I'm just not understanding? I don't want to "cure" myself. I was wondering if you thought that I fit under aromantic. Though, I feel like I want to have that closeness to somebody that you seem to find in romantic relationships, but that might be based off of the false information you were talking about. But I'm fine with who I am, I was just wondering if others thought I fit as aromantic. I haven't been able to find that much info so far.

My apologies. That absolutely wasn’t clear in your ask. You wanted to know if I could help you feel romantic or emotional attraction - that is not the same as asking if you are aromantic.

You can have closeness, and be aromantic. You can have intimate, primary relationships and be aromantic.

Are you aromantic? Well, the definition of aromantic is someone who does not feel romantic attraction. If you do not feel romantic attraction, then I suppose you could aromantic - but it’s not my place to tell someone what they are. Only they can decide that.

Some reading on aromantic relationships. If you have any questions, I will attempt to answer them. 

Anonymous asked: Hello. Well lately, I've been confused. I don't think I've ever been emotionally attracted to anyone I've met. I can tell that people I see are attractive, and I am physically attracted to people. So, I am physically attracted to some people (not a lot), but I've never been emotionally attracted to anyone I've met, but I want a romantic relationship and I want to be emotionally and romantically attracted to others. I was directed here, so I was hoping you might be able to help?

No one can make you feel something you don’t feel. I will never advocate attempting to “reverse” someone’s sexual or romantic orientations. And they are orientations - they are not things we can take a pill to “fix”.

That doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world, though. There are a few things I need you to for me first.

• Examine why you want to feel romantic and/or emotional attraction to other people.
• Ask yourself if what you want is based on false information.
• Determine what those attractions offer you, and if you can achieve the same result without those attractions.

I’m a zucchini to someone who is also in a romantic relationship with someone else. I was a bit of a fool to think that being in a queerplatonic relationship was possibly on the same level as the romantic. In the end, I don’t mean as much to my partner as their other partner means to them; I shouldn’t really care, I’ve always been okay on my own. It was a mistake to forget that I will always come second.

I apologise for not submitting something a little more cheerful.

Anonymous asked: Would it be possible to work a decent relationship between an a-romantic, a-sexual and a romantic, sexual?

I don’t see why not. See my post here for details on why it’s totally possible to have relationships between supposedly “conflicting” orientations.